


And Nobody Got Laid That Night

by traceExcalibur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2012-10-23
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:11:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DAVE: maybe ill just dream up my own john tonight and well have an awesome time without you what do you think about that</p><p>(In which Dave dreams up his own John and doesn't have an awesome time without them.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Nobody Got Laid That Night

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired somewhat by [this Tumblr post.](http://clumsyoctopus.tumblr.com/post/34103562542/i-know-for-a-fact-that-the-johndave-fandom-is)
> 
> There's some Rose/Kanaya in the story but I didn't think it was major enough to warrant tagging this with Rose/Kanaya, just so you know.

Amusing yourself on the meteor is usually pretty easy. Between your various ironic pursuits, your weirdo alien maybe-girlfriend, and your sister, you are often kept quite busy. But sometimes there are lulls, and you start to feel a little bored and a little lonely, and you wish you had a dude to hang out with. Spending time with Karkat is just plain weird and the clown guy never shows his face around you. You really want to hang out with John for a change, if only the demented be-tentacled gods would let you.

Wait.

That dorky looking kid in the distance with the weird hair...is that...?

 

DAVE: oh shit there he is

DAVE: john!!!

DAVE: john get your ass over here its time for the bro hug bump of the cen...

JAKE: Huh??

DAVE: youre not john are you

JAKE: Were you calling me?

DAVE: uh

DAVE: yeah i kind of mistook you for someone else

DAVE: sorry about that grandpa egharleybert dadjunior

JAKE: Who?

DAVE: just

DAVE: nvm

JAKE: Wait wait hang on a goshdarned minute here did you call me john?

JAKE: I know him! Hes my granddad or...something.

JAKE: Im not really sure now but yes i know him and know im not him!

JAKE: I mean no im not.

JAKE: I mean what am i saying you cant tell how i spelled that in my head!!!

DAVE: yeah okay

DAVE: well have you seen him anywhere

JAKE: I dont think i have sorry chap!

DAVE: cmon

DAVE: dorky face equally dorky personality

DAVE: big blue windsock for a hood

DAVE: he stands out like a sore thumb are you sure you havent seen him not even once

DAVE: i bet youve spent ages sleeping thats all anyone ever does anymore is sleep

DAVE: sburb isnt a game its the worlds number one apocalypse themed sleep simulator

JAKE: Sorry bro i havent seen him!

JAKE: Ive got a pretty good mental image of him now though so my peepers will be peeled and if i see him ill tell him dirks hollywood superstar dad is looking for him.

DAVE: wait hollywood superstar

DAVE: can you

DAVE: elaborate on that

JAKE: You dont know?? Oh right i guess you arent a superstar yet.

JAKE: Wait shit am i going to disrupt the timeline if i tell you? I dont want to cause no kerfuffle maybe its best if i dont say anything more than what ive already let slip.

DAVE: thats

DAVE: not how time works

DAVE: trust me

JAKE: If you say so!!

JAKE: Then i shall begin the very long and interesting story.

JAKE: Mr strider got his start when oh fuck im waking up sorry bro!

 

Poppop Harlegbert disappears in a flash of light and you’re alone again. Go figure.

Disappointed and sullen, you make your way back to your room. You’ve had enough adventuring through dreambubbles for a while.

And when you get back, the translucent form of your best bro is standing around, waiting for you.

 

DAVE: john???

DAVE: like

DAVE: actual john not some impostor johncestor or something

JOHN: dave!

JOHN: yeah, it’s...me?

JOHN: i think.

JOHN: i’m kind of incorporeal for some reason.

DAVE: yeah i noticed

DAVE: maybe your connection is spotty or something

DAVE: try wiggling jades dog ears

JOHN: i can’t, i’m asleep!

JOHN: also, the last time i touched her ears, she hit me.

DAVE: oh

DAVE: well

DAVE: fuck that shit im standing in my room with my best bro do you know what that means

JOHN: this is the part where we shut up and embrace jocularly, like bros?

DAVE: hell yeah motherfucker

DAVE: come here and hug bump me like you mean it

DAVE: let the distilled bromantic blood pump in our hearts

DAVE: were doin this bro

DAVE: were makin this HAPEN

JOHN: yeah!!!

DAVE: ...

DAVE: john did i just go through you

JOHN: ...looks like it, yeah.

JOHN: i guess i’m some kind of...dream ghost?

JOHN: too dream ghostly for you to actually physically touch me.

DAVE: inb4ghostbustersjoke

JOHN: what??

DAVE: oh my god i didnt just

DAVE: yes i did i made an inb4 joke

DAVE: i am SO 2009 this is beyond lame pretend i never said that ok

JOHN: uh, ok dude.

DAVE: so

DAVE: johnghost

JOHN: actually, the more i think about it, i’m not a ghost. well, i’ll call myself one, since i like ghosts.

JOHN: but i’m more like...a dream projection.

JOHN: like a piece of john’s mind conjured up by you wanting to talk to him, and then given form!

JOHN: i’m suddenly completely sure of that.

DAVE: wow ok

DAVE: so im just imagining you

JOHN: sort of.

JOHN: i’m really, but in same way that if you imagine an imaginary friend is real hard enough, he turns out to actually be a totally real person.

DAVE: what

DAVE: ok whatever youre john right

JOHN: basically.

DAVE: and you know everything he knows

JOHN: yes.

DAVE: cool

DAVE: so why dont we catch up on old times

DAVE: pop a squat i got a bed i got a chair i got a desk

DAVE: theyre all waiting for a taste of that fine egbert ass

JOHN: yeah i’m just going to go sit down on your bed and pretend you weren’t talking about my fine ass.

DAVE: just like old times except youre a mind ghost and were talking instead of typing, cool

DAVE: got any interesting stories

DAVE: im full of them ive been having so many radical escapades here all this adventurey dreambubbly shit is bananas

DAVE: but ill let you go first

JOHN: well, i don’t know. i’ve actually been really bored!

JOHN: mostly, jade and dave sprite and i sit around and play video games with the salamanders and propsitans and everyone.

JOHN: or we have movie nights!

JOHN: they used to spend a lot of time being flirty and giggly and kissing, but then they broke up, and dave sprite was basically a total asshole about it.

DAVE: what

JOHN: sorry, dude. alternate you is kind of a jerk?

DAVE: no i mean

DAVE: they were dating

DAVE: jade dated future bird me

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: they hit it off pretty well for a while.

DAVE: thats

DAVE: i dont know how to feel about that

JOHN: i know!!

JOHN: it is so fucking weird when you find out a different version of you dated someone you want to date, right?

DAVE: i never said i wanted to date jade whered you get that idea

DAVE: actually wait

DAVE: who are you talking about

JOHN: what?? that...uh, it was a rhetorical question.

JOHN: can we change the topic?

DAVE: on one condition

JOHN: oh no.

DAVE: the new topic is rapping

JOHN: oh, hell no.

DAVE: no man listen ive been working on my dope rhymes

DAVE: shit be iller than a dying man in a hospital

DAVE: his family stands around him somberly and then he busts out the mothafuckin flames

DAVE: sizzles those bitches with his biznasty fires yo

DAVE: the hospital burns down and they all die

DAVE: does this metaphor get you suitably amped for my raps or what

JOHN: nothing could get me amped for your raps, but i’ll listen anyways.

JOHN: i want to see if you’ve gotten better.

DAVE: i totally have

DAVE: lemme lay down a beat from this laptop and

DAVE: ok

DAVE: check it

DAVE: english you aint no blinglish

DAVE: you aint nothing but a shitty hulk ripoff

DAVE: in asshole suspenders you dont dare to strip off

DAVE: whats the matter mister dark matter splatter

DAVE: aint got no goddamn confidence you just laser and natter

DAVE: with magic faker than the fakest bullshit the far ring can manage

DAVE: so im telling you now you aint got shit no games no rhyme

DAVE: listen up cause im sayin this now to save the lord his time

DAVE: no matter where you were born you dont put the cali in california

DAVE: aint got heat or swag now so im comin to warn ya

DAVE: wanna fight the knight

DAVE: youll get fucked like in porn yeah

DAVE: cause we equate swords to schlongs and i outmatch you in sword boners

DAVE: so just sit back take a rest

DAVE: dont crack the void youll get cracked yourself

DAVE: let sis take a turn i hear shes hella nice

DAVE: and dont mess with our crew

DAVE: not with me

DAVE: just think twice

DAVE: word

DAVE: ok thats it how was that

JOHN: oh, man.

JOHN: ohhhhh, man.

JOHN: it’s been so long since i’ve heard one of your raps i can’t tell if you got any better or if you’re still just as shitty.

DAVE: dude

DAVE: not cool

JOHN: man, i’m just ribbing you.

JOHN: chill out!

DAVE: yeah whatever

JOHN: sorry, bro.

DAVE: that wasnt one of my best raps anyways

DAVE: want to hear a better one ive got one about obamas hot economy

JOHN: no thanks.

JOHN: why don’t you tell me one of your interesting stories?

DAVE: oh man who should i even talk about

DAVE: have you met any of the ancestor troll teenager dudes

JOHN: a couple, i think.

JOHN: i got stabbed by the one who talks about fish a lot!

DAVE: oh yeah hahaha i remember seeing that

DAVE: good times man good times

DAVE: shes just the tip of the iceberg though and shes like the coolest one maybe

DAVE: theres a fuckin

DAVE: guy who thinks hes a horse or some shit

DAVE: a dude who looks just like that one guy

DAVE: rufio

DAVE: from that movie with dante basco

JOHN: hook?

DAVE: yeah

JOHN: dude, that was a pretty good movie!

DAVE: i never actually saw it it was probably shit knowing your taste

JOHN: hey!!

DAVE: theres also like

DAVE: some weird girl whos troll japanese

DAVE: can that even be a thing

JOHN: apparently.

DAVE: and you shouldve seen the sicknasty rap battle i had between an alternate me and some robot alien troll person

DAVE: man you wouldnt believe the wicked fresh rhymes she knew how to drop it was unreal

DAVE: nobody else was around though they dont believe me

JOHN: huh.

JOHN: well, i’ll believe you! because you are my buddy.

DAVE: thanks bro thats all i ever wanted

JOHN: oh, hey, dude.

DAVE: yeah

JOHN: do you have any cheetos? or chips? any kind of snack food? i’m starving.

DAVE: youre a dream ghost

JOHN: yeah, and i’m a hungry ghost. ghosts can be hungry. who are you to say ghosts can’t be hungry?

DAVE: but the foodll just go right through you

JOHN: oh, yeah.

JOHN: well, scratch that, then.

JOHN: oh! do you have a dvd player here? any movies?

JOHN: we could watch something together!

JOHN: i’ve been dying to have your take on a mcconaughey movie.

DAVE: my take is theyre all shit

JOHN: they totally aren’t! you haven’t even given one a try.

DAVE: well i dont have any

DAVE: i do have dane cook though

DAVE: shitloads of dane cook

JOHN: dane cook sucks!

DAVE: yeah i know

DAVE: want to riff on him together

JOHN: no, he sucks so much, i don’t even want to do that.

DAVE: damn

DAVE: what do you want to do

DAVE: its funny we never really talked about anything wed do if we met in person other than the hug bump thing and that kind of fell through so what now

JOHN: i don’t know.

JOHN: this is kind of lame.

DAVE: lame

JOHN: yeah.

DAVE: dude are you ok the john i know wouldve like

DAVE: hitched up a dorky pair of suspenders and said boy howdy lets go have some fun

JOHN: dude, what? no.

DAVE: yeah youre totally being a buzzkill here whats up

JOHN: i dunno, dude. i’ve been kind of grumpy lately but i don’t think i’m that bad??

DAVE: youre shutting down like my every attempt to talk about cool shit with you

DAVE: this isnt how i expected our faithful reunion to go

JOHN: i guess i just...

JOHN: man, whatever! i’m your dumb dream projection, it’s your own damn fault if you don’t like me!

DAVE: fine well hows this

DAVE: two years later con air is still way awful

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: well, actually, i kind of agree with you now!

JOHN: i watched it again a week ago and it was shittier than i remembered it being.

DAVE: what

DAVE: no

DAVE: NO

DAVE: this is it this is the last straw i cant take it anymore

JOHN: what.

JOHN: dave, where are you going?!

 

As quickly as you can, you run from this...this dream fragment impostor John. He isn’t the real John! Or maybe he is, and you just need to get used to him again after years spent apart?

Well, whatever the case, you’re just going to go complain to Rose about it. Last you checked she was on another of her weird boring dates with Kanaya, but you’re sure she won’t mind your presence for a little while.

 

KANAYA: The Fledgling Vampire In Training Regards Her Quarry

KANAYA: Though The Dark Enchantress Is A Powerful Foe The Vampire Believes She Will Be Able To Best Her

KANAYA: Using The Ancient Art Of

KANAYA: Seduction

ROSE: Ooh, alright. You’re getting confident.

ROSE: Roll a D20 for a charisma check.

KANAYA: Whoa

KANAYA: Nineteen

ROSE: In that case, I believe the enchantress has been well and truly...

ROSE: Seduced. ;)

KANAYA: “It’s a Shame You Will Not Tell Me About The Unfortunate Death Of Zazzerpan The Learned”

KANAYA: The Vampire Says As She Leans Against The Wall And Allows A Strap Of Her Dress To Slip Down

ROSE: (Did Porrim teach you that trick?)

KANAYA: (Yes)

ROSE: (I’ll have to thank her later.)

KANAYA: “I Would Have Been So Very Grateful”

ROSE: The enchantress perks up slightly, twisting her visage into a wry smile.

ROSE: “Perhaps we can make an exchange?”

ROSE: “We have already established that you are poorer than the even the most wretched creature of the gutter...”

KANAYA: Hey

ROSE: Well, it’s true.

ROSE: 1 bronze coin does not a wealthy adventurer make.

KANAYA: I Had To Buy The Pretty Dress It Was My One Weakness

ROSE: I know, Kanaya. I know.

ROSE: Now, ahem:

ROSE: “...but maybe you have something else to offer me? Something a little more...intimate?”

KANAYA: “That May Be True”

KANAYA: This Time The Vampire Is Less Subtle When Her Dress Slips Further Down Now At Risk Of Actually Just Falling Off Her Shoulders And Hitting The Ground Leaving Her In Her Sensual And Lacy Undergarments

KANAYA: She Stalks Towards The Enchantress And

KANAYA: Shit Whos Knocking On The Door

DAVE: rooooooooose

DAVE: kanayaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ROSE: Sigh.

ROSE: I’ll take care of this.

ROSE: Dave, what do you want?

DAVE: ok so check it

DAVE: i ran into some dream memory john

DAVE: and i was like

DAVE: sweet

DAVE: finally i get to shoot the shit with my best bro

DAVE: halle motherfuckin lujah right???

DAVE: but it turns out hes a jackass

DAVE: what do i do

ROSE: Well, my advice is—

DAVE: wait are you playing dnd

KANAYA: Um

KANAYA: Yes

DAVE: okay well normally id probably like

DAVE: ironically scoff at that

DAVE: but im kind of in a bad mood right now so hey can i join you

DAVE: whatre we doing fighting a dragon in a dungeon or something

ROSE: Dave!

ROSE: You can’t just barge in like that. Kanaya and I were about to—

KANAYA: Barter

KANAYA: For Information

ROSE: Er, yes. That.

DAVE: sweet you know me im hella wicked at bartering lets get this started

KANAYA: (Rose)

KANAYA: (Is The Use Of My Chainsaw An Acceptable Thing Right Now)

ROSE: (No, Kanaya.)

KANAYA: (Damn)

ROSE: (I owe you one, okay?)

KANAYA: (Yes You Do)

ROSE: (Oh, by the way, you might want to pull your dress straps back up.)

ROSE: (I don’t think Dave noticed but we don’t need any wardrobe malfunctions interrupting the game.)

KANAYA: (Shit)

KANAYA: (Thanks That Would Have Been Embarrassing)

ROSE: (No problem.)

DAVE: hey what are you two whispering about over there

DAVE: no wait better question

DAVE: can my character be named shaggy 2 dope

ROSE: ...no.

DAVE: ok how about akwete purrmusk the anthro tiger rogue

ROSE: ...

KANAYA: Well At Least That Sounds Kind Of Funny

JOHN: daaaaave! where are you?

DAVE: oh damn he went looking for me

KANAYA: Sigh

KANAYA: John We Are In Here Playing Dungeons And Dragons

KANAYA: In An Apparently Not Private Session

JOHN: oh, there you guys are!

ROSE: John! It’s good to see you in a more casual context than a fight with Jack.

JOHN: haha, yeah!

JOHN: i’m kind of sad that i didn’t get to beat him up more, though.

JOHN: that fucker really deserves it!

ROSE: Agreed.

JOHN: anyway, dungeons and dragons sounds kind of fun.

JOHN: can i join? dave’ll have to move my pieces, though, i’m kind of incorporeal over here.

DAVE: i dunno man after my whole melodramatic stint back there isnt this kind of awkward

JOHN: nah.

JOHN: i’m used to drama. do you have ANY IDEA how much of a fuss those damn crocodiles put up whenever jade beats them at monopoly?

JOHN: and don’t even get me STARTED on that time my nanna pranked the secret wizard’s club...

DAVE: ok well then youre officially invited to the most rockin roleplay session this meteor will ever see

DAVE: lets go

DAVE: awkete purrmusk and his clenched buttocks of jungle steel are raring to pillage a dragons dungeon

DAVE: you girls ready

KANAYA: As I Will Ever Be

KANAYA: Rose Are You

ROSE: I am going to have to completely rewrite this campaign to serve four people. You all realize that, right?

DAVE: just make shit up as you go thats the fun way to play

ROSE: Sigh...

ROSE: This is going to be a long night.


End file.
